On Sunday when I came home my sweet girl was loving on me. I asked her if she missed me and for the rest of the day we had this conversation over and over and over again.
Braylen: Mommy?
Me: What?
Braylen: I miss you, Mommy, I miss you!!
Me: I missed you too
Braylen “Uh-huh, I miss you too”
And then, if that wasn’t the cutest thing ever. She would look up at me and smile. You know, the one where she smiles so big that her eyes squeeze shut and her little nose scrunches up? Yeah, that one.
And then, if that wasn’t the cutest thing ever. She would look up at me and smile. You know, the one where she smiles so big that her eyes squeeze shut and her little nose scrunches up? Yeah, that one.
I instictively reached for my iPhone because I knew I just had to have a video of the absolute preciousness (that’s probably only a real word in the South) that was oozing out of my toddler. And then in the back of my head I heard Jon Acuff’s words from BlissDom. You know the ones that convicted my heart and rocked me to my very core?
Let me be your child and not your content.
I tried to push them away, believe me. I wanted to show you a video of her confirming that I am indeed, the coolest person in the world to her. I wanted to take a picture of the silly faces she was making as she shared a bowl of cereal with me that evening (my social media obsession is at question in this post, not my toddler’s eating habits, so you don’t get to judge that part), I wanted to catch that smile, my favorite smile, on camera.
At that moment, I was an addict and that camera was my drug, I needed that content. As I sat there debating on whether or not to grab my camera she layed her head over on my shoulder, she put her hand on my face and she said, “I loooove you, mommy” She sat like that for a while never moving and at that moment a picture was the last thing on my mind.
That moment was all mine. And just because I don’t have a digital version of it saved as a jpeg file in my iPhoto library doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Instead, I documented it in a different way and now I have it saved in the best way possible.
I memorized the way her curls fell around the side of her face, the way her eyelashes touched the top of her eyelids when her big blue eyes were opened wide. I looked at her eyes, had I even noticed the new colors they had taken on, the way the dark blue fades to the brightest baby blue right in the center. A blue that has a keen resemblance to Allen’s eye color. That kind of took my breath away. I just sat there and I took it all in as she traced the palm of my hand with her tiny fingers and I tried to memorize exactly the way this moment felt as my heart overflowed with love.
I took the time to simply be.
I couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened to this moment had I snuck away for a second just to grab my camera.
Tears stung at the corners of my eyes. Just as they do right now as I type this out and just as they did when Jon spoke on Friday. I closed my eyes tightly and I silentely thanked God and I promised myself that I would do more of this kind of documenting and less of the documenting that places a third party in the form of technology between me and the people I love most.
I went to BlissDom having never heard of Jon Acuff. I’ve since spent hours on his blog, I’ve started reading his book, Quitter, and I’m applying his words, his wisdom, to my life. I sat in a room full of powerful women on Friday morning. 750 people in the room and I felt like he was speaking directly to me. Now, that my friends, is powerful stuff.
What a great post, I can’t tell you how many times I have stopped what I was doing to run and get the camera and then by the time I got back the moment was gone. You are such a good mom and I can’t wait to read that book!
I love the moments that are only etched in our memory. I find they are often more long lasting and special than the ones we have to see pictures of to remember. The moments in Thatcher’s life that are the most indelible are of course those that I don’t have physical documentation of, and that’s kind of cool.
I needed to read that. I find myself so often torn between enjoying the moment for what it is and rushing off to find the camera. I’m often frustrated when I return and the moment has passed, not captured on “film”. What we fail to realize sometimes is that they are often not captured by us at all. I think this is the exact reason I haven’t been blogging as much the last few months. I’m spending more time being present and enjoying my girls and much less time proving that to the world. Great post :).
You are such a great mommy. And you have perfectly described that big moment from Thursday morning. I love reading your words.
Jennifer- I sit here in tears reading this because you have touched my heart by writing this, I have realized that I am so guilty of getting caught up in documenting each moment that I haven’t truly lived each moment the way I should have and this is going to change, it has to, because I do not want to look back and think “if only I savored that moment vs trying to capture it in a physical way” Thank you soooo much for sharing the incredible things that you learned from Blissdom with us- I can’t tell ou how all of the wonderful ladies are inspiring me, but especially you!
Tears. Big, crocodile tears streaming down my face. This post is incredibly intimate and beautiful, and I don’t think you will ever need a picture again if you continue writing like this. Thanks for the inspiration 🙂
How sweet!
Oh Jennifer–I adore this post! You rock it with your words, sister!
LOVE this! So true. I’ve been struggling w/this a lot now that I’m home with KP. I’ve been making myself take a step back, away from the Twitter, and just being with her. It’s hard but that’s what makes me realize how big of a problem it really is. I’m glad a lot of others are realizing the same things and taking a step back b/c it’s really making it easier for me to do the same. If we all stop being so into it we won’t be missing anything, right?
I don’t even have kids and Jon’s story had me in tears!
Loved this……can’t wait to have my own sweet baby someday!
Love this, Jennifer!
Jennifer, I have tried not to take my camera places for this reason. What a wonderful post! I would love to repost this on my blog. I have a book for you to read. Ill send an email later today.