Last week, I wrote a post about giving grace to Braylen. I responded to a few emails that came through regarding grace and discipline and when the line should be drawn. I thought it might just be more simple to write a follow-up post.
I don’t want you to think that I hang around all day to clean up messes and offer kind words and that’s alrights. I believe 100% that there is a time for grace and there is a time for discipline. Had she intentionally racked her Cheerios off on the floor, we would have been dealing with a much different problem. My methods aren’t fool-proof, they are entirely based on what works for our family and what I feel, in my heart, is the best way to parent. Are they effective? Yes, right now they are. Ask me in 20 years and I’ll let you know the long term outcome.
You should probably know that I really like to control things, I try my hardest to be more go with the flow, but I can’t always suppress those controlling tendencies of mine. What I had to learn early on was that people typically don’t disappoint, my expectations are just off. When you like to control situations, you expect people to act a certain way and sometimes calculate what you think their next step should be. Once I tuned into reality, I quickly realized that isn’t a reasonable way of thinking. And by reality, I mean, once I became a mother.
Here I was, with this child who belonged to me and yet I controlled very few things. She is her own person, with her own little personality. She once sang a mashup of Jesus Loves Me and Twinkle, Twinkle in front of our entire church congregation. I sat helplessly near the back, watching as it unfolded. We had discussed the song, she had practiced singing while Allen played the guitar, but when the time came? She took her creative liberties with her song choice.
There’s more to it than just realizing I can’t control everything, there is also releasing the expectation of perfection. We all make mistakes, from little clumsy mistakes to mistakes caused by not paying careful attention. I’m clumsy and I can’t tell you how many times I spilled coffee in my car or dropped things while dusting. Mistakes are human and no matter how old we get, we aren’t immune to simple accidents. I can’t hold BK to a standard of perfection that I can’t achieve myself.
I want her to know that mistakes happen and we fix them and we move on. I want her to be okay when things don’t go just right and I don’t want her to lose her cool or get upset over little things. What does that mean for me? It means I have to be okay when things don’t go my way, when things don’t happen quite as planned. I have to fix my mistakes and move on instead of dwelling on them.
But discipline? It’s required. I like to think that it’s much easier to fix behavior problems now, than it will be when she’s 10. I don’t think there is necessarily a line drawn and things on one side need to be handled with sternness and things on the other side need to be handled with grace. Instead, it’s more about intent. I watch her to gain knowledge of what she’s capable of, what she knows not to do, and I react accordingly.
Grace and discipline are hard things to find a balance between. But, honestly? She always gets grace even if it has to come with discipline. We don’t hold grudges, we believe in second chances and honest mistakes. It isn’t fool proof and I’m absolutely certain I’ll learn something new about this each day that I parent her.
What about you, what wisdom do you have regarding discipline and grace?
I think you’re right. We can’t expect not to discipline our children and yes, I think the older they get, the harder it will be to do so if we aren’t doing it now. It certainly doesn’t make me feel good to have to discipline the boys, but I know that its in their best interests to do so. When we discipline, we always explain to them why they are having to sit in the naughty chair (our time out chair) or why we won’t let them play another Mario Kart race. We also always ask them to apologize to the person they hurt/hit/pinched (we’re in a pinching stage where one will occasionally pinch the other one for “stealing” a toy or not building a train track “right”) and to give them a hug.
I love that you say “she always gets grace even if it has to come with discipline. We don’t hold grudges, we believe in second chances and honest mistakes.”
It doesn’t make me feel good either, I never imagined it being so hard! We do the same with discipline, really talk through it and I always ask her to tell me why she’s in trouble or what she could have done differently. I don’t want her to ever wonder what she did 🙂
You sound like such a thoughtful and caring mother. I hope to have a child someday and hope I will be that way too! (First I need to meet a man that I want to marry)!
Thanks, Jodi! 🙂
This is tough!! I struggle with not wanting to be too harsh with kids, but at the same time I want them to learn to obey now at a young age vs later. I think all we really can do is our best and ask God to guide us. Each child is different too and needs different things. I think the most important thing though is that they are disciplined and learn to respect those over them.
I completely agree, Catie! I never want to “scare” her into doing the right thing, just teach her, and you’re right, God’s guidance is crucial.
New follower here and first time commenter! But I feel you. I am a WAY overboard control freak! I have such a hard time leaving my house to do on vacation type of control freak b.c I dont like the way other people feed my pets. I know this, I work on this and it is H.A.R.D to overcome. I am preparing myself for when our daughter, who just turned 10 months, starts needing grace and/or discipline. As it is now she is JUST starting to figure out her personality and I think we are in for some shenanigans.
Loved this post and how you are giving grace and discipline and that you need to do what works for your family. Hopefully I will be able to do what works for mine as well –
I am the same way, way too controlling (or that’s what I hear :)). I think it’s just figuring each other out and thankfully they grow up and gain these quirks over time so we aren’t just blindsided and left wondering what to do next.