Since we found that our second child will be a boy, I’ve had a rather strange thing happen. I’ve landed myself in the one of each club. It’s a funny place to be, apparently I’ve fallen out of the girl mom club, and let’s be real, I was never in the boy mom club. Most comments make it seem obvious that having one of each is the thing to do, that I’ve somehow managed to take gold in the gender Olympics.
I’m going to say something that might shock a few, I didn’t get pregnant with specific gender intentions. I know, that seems odd in a day and age where modern medical science says you can actually choose pink or blue. I don’t fully understand the intense need for a particular gender, but I do understand that there are people out there willing to pay good money to take the guess work away.
But, we didn’t.
When the comments started rolling in, I’ll admit I was a little shocked at first. I never knew that this was such an amazing fascination for so many people.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but finding out that we would be bringing home one of each would be the thing that would solidify our family. Forget how many children I would like to have, now I’ll have one of each, so I must be finished. Right? Not at all. Expecting a boy didn’t change our mindset at all. What we found out that particular day in the ultrasound room didn’t affect future plans for our family.
Our family size won’t be determined by the gender of our children.
I don’t quite understand why we are all of the sudden set, as the lady in Publix said. Unless we’re still living in Little House on the Prairie days, I don’t need a male to tend the field and a female to help me sew and cook. There is no specific gender role each of my children will need to fall into in order to complete my life.
The most annoying of the comments are directed towards my husband. I didn’t realize it at the time, but apparently he is the real winner in the gender game. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is the epitome of a guy’s guy, he hunts and fishes, he loathes throw pillows on the bed, he finds joy in things like heavy equipment and building projects. Of course, he’s going to be a great dad to a boy. But, it doesn’t have a thing to do with the above mentioned.
I know without a doubt he will be a great dad, because he already is a great dad, to our daughter.
To assume he must have wanted a boy simply to compliment his manhood is a bit absurd to me. Like maybe he spent the last three years twiddling his thumbs, awaiting the arrival of his boy so he could begin to parent.
Wrong.
I can assure you that boy or girl, he would have been thrilled. And boy or girl, this baby is incredibly blessed to have him as their father, every bit as blessed as our daughter.
It’s true, there’s an intense focus on gender in our society. Perhaps it’s small talk and no one really means that we should stop having children because the gender happened to equal out this time around. Either way, the truth is, the gender ultrasound is two-fold. It’s a gender and anatomy scan, a scan in which we take a look at this tiny new life and see how he or she is developing. There’s measuring of organs, limbs, head circumference, a close look at a tiny beating heart. The ultrasound technician painstakingly looks over each and every part of the growing baby to ensure there aren’t any red flags.
When it’s all said and done, the fact that we saw a healthy and thriving baby on the screen that day is the real miracle.
I think when people say that they don’t intend to override the importance of health, they’re simply trying to be excited for you and take part in the fact that being a girl mom is so fun and so is being a boy mom, that each gender has something so special to offer and you get to experience both! I would interpret it more as excitement and sharing in your joy than in prioritizing values such as gender above health, or gender above family planning.
Pregnant women hear a LOT of clichés, and I think that’s simply one of them. I would say most clichés they hear are from a place of good intentions and efforts to be excited for you, and I think “one of each” falls into that category. Sometimes people just don’t really know what to say, but they want to communicate joy and excitement. I don’t think they really mean your husband wouldn’t have loved another girl or that gender was the only thing y’all cared about.
I just want to say THANK YOU for this post!! My husband & I also have one of each gender and people say the exact same things to me. Whenever I mention possibly having another baby people ALWAYS say, “Why would want any more kids? You have one of each gender, the perfect family.” It drives me crazy!! If we DID decide to have another child, it CLEARLY has nothing to do w/ gender. It just amazes me that some people don’t understand that it’s not all about the gender; it’s about our love for our children.
This is so true! My husband and I are expecting our firsts, twins, anytime. It was a long road to get pregnant, and the pregnancy has been hard. We are simply thrilled to have the opportunity to have children AND healthy ones at that! But when people find out it is two boys – the comments are crazy 🙂 Already asking when we will try for a girl to even it out. I’m just trying to get through this pregnancy and figure out how to take care of two newborns. I know it all comes from a good place – but I don’t understand the fascination on evening out the gender in families, either. Maybe at some point I will be craving Hairbows and tutus, but I think it will be more of just being thankful we have the opportunity to bring another child into the world!
I agree with everything you wrote!!! Thank you for putting it in words. I get similar comments because we only have one. We never “hoped” for a specific gender, only a healthy baby to love.
Amen!! I feel the same way. 🙂 but, since I only have one baby and he is a boy, I must tell you that boys are awesome!! I bet B is going to be a good big sister. She seems like such a sweetie!
Well said! I think people, first of all, need to mind their own business. But just because you have one of each, two boys, three girls, etc. doesn’t mean anything. I find it so weird that for being such an advanced society we are still focused on gender roles.
I love how honest and truthful this is. When I got pregnant I was not at all in favour of having a certain sex. I knew I’d be over the moon regardless and I do think majority of people have an idea of how many children they want in the future as a posed to ‘one of each’.
Glad to read your pregnancy is going well x
thank you for this post!! we have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and have another baby on the way arriving at the end of june…..everyone keeps saying that they are sure my husband is begging for a boy, just because he is a boy! my husband is a proud “girl dad” and can fix her hair and fluff her bows with the best of them 🙂 hahaha! he would love to have another little girl and be wrapped around her finger as welll! or he would love to have a boy to rough around with! we just want a healthy baby and we don’t feel like we have to have one of each to be complete!
I have never posted before but this really struck a cord with me! We have an almost 4 year old daughter and are currently expecting our second (and final) child in June. We have had numerous people say “I’m sure your husband is praying for a boy” and my response “We do not have a preference, we will be happy with another little girl or happy with a boy”. Sure there are good and bad to both (all selfish reasons – we have all the girl stuff we could possibly imagine, etc.; but, we are praying for a happy, healthy child and know the good Lord above will bless (and has already blessed) our family in so ways. No matter girl or boy (we find out in 3 weeks) we will be so excited and very blessed that our family is complete.
Thanks for a great post!
Thank you for posting this. We will find what number two is in a few short weeks (number one is a girl). And most people assume that we want a boy so that we can have, as you put, one of each. And most people assume that my husband is deadset on having a little boy. however, this is so not the case. First and foremost, we just want a healthy baby. That is all that is important to us. Boy, girl, at the end of the day, we are indifferent. If anything, despite this notion that having one of each is “perfect” in our society, I think both my husband and I would at times prefer a girl — only because it is what we know and the thought of our first having a sister seems so special. But regardless of boy or girl, our family will be complete
Congratulations on your pregnancy and healthy baby! I don’t know you, but I agree with your friend who said that all the cliches people say come from a place of good intentions. People just want to be excited…want to have something to say…or maybe don’t know WHAT to say.
When I was pregnant with our 2nd child, people would say, “have you had your amnio, yet?” or, “you ARE going to have further testing, aren’t you?” Which, NONE-YA…and it really upset me to no end. But I think they just were just concerned because our first child was born with Down Syndrome. No, I didn’t have amnio, but I don’t care if other people choose to…in that same situation.
When I was pregnant with our 3rd child (we have 4), people commented (A LOT) “don’t you know what causes that? You already have two!” Or, “You already have one of each!” When I tell people we have 3 boys and a girl, they invariably will say, “kept trying for that girl, huh?” Um, no…she’s our 2nd born. Even some of our friends thought we had lost our minds when we had #4. Honestly, if there hadn’t been a ton of complications with his birth, and if there hadn’t been significant health risks for me…we would love to have had a couple more.
But that’s just us, and everyone is different…and it’s time we embrace that. Two is plenty for some…8 is plenty for some. Boys…girls…some of each. Why do we care?
My mantra is “Most People Mean Well.” I have heard a TON of things regarding my oldest child that have really hurt my feelings…”bless his heart,” “he doesn’t know any better,” (um, yes he does)…”he’s NOT HALF BAD.”(WHAAAT?) I could go on and on, but I don’t want to be defensive where he is concerned. I need GRACE on a daily basis, and so I give it to others as well. And remind myself:
MOST PEOPLE MEAN WELL
.http://martysmoosetracks.blogspot.com/2013/03/most-people-mean-well.html
I also got the “ya know what causes that, right?” quite often because we had our children close together. (Our 3rd was born a few months before the oldest turned 3.) It never made me mad, it just felt a bit awkward: umm yes, I know sex makes babies.
I am sorry you get hurtful comments regarding your son. Our first was born with a cleft lip and palate and I was shocked at the things grown men and women thought was appropriate to say. “She will be beautiful someday” was a comment I got while holding our week-old daughter. Umm, thanks?… But I agree, people do mean well, but man can they be insensitive pricks sometimes!
People ALWAYS have an opinion. No matter what gender or how many kids you have, they love to weigh in! When I was pregnant with #2 people said they hoped it was a girl (it was). Then we were told we should stop since we had one of each. After baby #3 came along, and was a girl, people asked us if we would try for another boy to round things out. With #4, people said they really hoped we didn’t have another girl (who cares?!?). #4 was a boy, but he gave us a huge surprise. Now we get asked if we’re done or my personal favorite…if we’re going to try for another NORMAL baby. I almost punched the person that said that!!!
Having one of each is fun, but the most important thing is that the baby is happy and loved. I know you will give him that!
I just had to stop and leave a comment because this is such a great post and topic. I couldn’t agree wtih you more. People seem obsessed with genders when you are pregnant. It really bothered me when I was pregnant with my first and can’t imagine how bad it will be with the second. Bravo for writing this! I’ve enjoyed reading all of the comments too. I do agree that most people probably mean well and are just making conversation. I know I’m guilty of doing it in the past before I had kids. Lesson learned! Off topic: I just purchased my first Piko top from Riff Raff after reading your post and LOVE it…the only problem is now I want more colors!
Love this. It hits a special place in my heart as right now we are expecting our second daughter. We are thrilled to be welcoming a second child into our home and hearts. It makes me wince when complete strangers have the nerve to ask us when we will try for that boy. Or your husband is probably upset he didnt get a boy or some other such nonsense. They dont realize we are THRILLED to be having a child, or the pain and sorror it took to get said child. I always want to have a comeback but I am always so shocked at the comment that I typically walk away. Congratulations on your healthy baby. He is a blessing regardless of his gender!
I have two boys, ages 1 & 3. I get asked all of the time if I’m planning on trying for a girl. No, I’m not. After my second son, I had my tubes tied due to the fact that I’m an older mom and I’m a diabetic. Pregnancy takes it’s toll me (as I’m sure it does every woman…just wish I had started when I was younger), and we have to pay close attention to many details when it comes to the babies while I’m pregnant, as well, due to my diabetes. A lot of people think I should have tried for a girl. Why? I’m actually very happy to have two sons. Thank you very much.
All of this being said, I understand what you’re talking about when people make these statements. I try not to think anything of it, though. Just people talking, really. Congratulations again on baby #2! I’m anxious to find out what y’all are naming him. 🙂
I also have “one of each”. They are both different as two girls or two boys can be different. Each child is unique as they are God´s creations. Everyday is joyful with them. Waking up among dolls and cars is the best thing ever! There´s no need to say that as you are a wonderful mother for Braylen, you´ll be a wonderful mom for your baby boy….. that is why God thought of you and your husband as their parents, and God makes no mistakes!
I couldn’t agree more!
There were those who said the most hurtful comments when I was pregnant with our third son. Some were from rank strangers and others were from those much closer. They ranged from “were you hoping for a boy?” to “are you disappointed?”. Each comment made my mama heart hurt for the precious miracle we were genuinely THRILLED to be expecting.
What many of those people didn’t know was that when I was about 16 weeks along we had some testing done that brought back negative results. For several weeks we didn’t know if he would be able to survive outside the womb. By the time we found out his gender, we couldn’t have cared less and were literally too busy pounding the throne of God on his behalf to worry about whether we would need pink or blue.
We might choose to add to our family someday but like you, it has nothing to do with the gender of our three children. It will have everything to do with how and when God completes our family.
Thank you for speaking truth-Congratulations on baby boy!
I got comments about how lucky I was to have a second girl and how unlucky I was to have a second girl. My husband got mostly the latter, including from his own father. I wish people had just said, “what a blessing!” But everyone has an opinion, even me. Most people are just trying to chit chat.
Worse than gender comments are comments about your size.
The funniest thing I did in response to one of those pregnancy comments was say “oh, I’m not pregnant” when someone scolded me for getting tuna in the Whole Foods salad line. I was 35 weeks pregnant and looked like I had swallowed a basketball.
I think every mom must get this when they are pregnant with Baby #2. When we found out our second would be another girl, people would say, “Oh, your husband must be so disappointed” or “What a big letdown.” Who says that?! A letdown?! She is healthy – that was honestly all I cared about. After having our first born with a cleft lip and palate and spending a week in the NICU, the baby’s gender was the LAST thing on my mind. (Honestly, the ultrasound tech had to remind me to breathe during the anatomy ultrasound for our 2nd child, I was that worked up and anxious.)
I think you have the right attitude. You aren’t having a second child to fill some quota or balance the gender scales. People mean well, but they say some really, really stupid stuff. Congrats on your healthy baby – that is what is important anyway.
We have two boys and if I had a dollar for every “So are you going to try for the girl?” question I get, I would never have to go back to work. I’d love a little girl, but I am QUITE happy with my two little boys.
Love your comments about your husband. When we found out we were having a girl people felt so sorry for my husband. He loves his baby girl! Adores her really. He would have adored a boy as well. He is a man’s man too. But I found it very upsetting that everyone assumed he would be disappointed. We prayed for our child and feel overwhelmed with love for her. Thank you for sharing your heart.
I totally agree! Of course it’s fun to see the differences between the genders, but the idea of hoping for one gender or the other kind of makes me sad. I think the idea of having a son being a big deal for men is antiquated and frustrating. These are people, not pets… I have a little girl and would be happy to have all girls or a boy or a huge mix. Great post, and congrats again on number 2!!
I agree with you, though I have to say that I do hope to have one of each someday. I absolutely LOVE being a mom to a girl. I wanted a girl because I love the relationship my mom and I have, and I hope to someday have that relationship with my daughter. However, I want to have a boy too. I want to experience both, and I think that’s OK!
I, of course, want a healthy child first and foremost, but having one of each (at least) would be amazing. However, if we ended up with 10 healthy girls, I would be just as happy.
I know a couple that had 6 kids in their attempt for a girl, I can’t exactly remember what stopped them for continuing… but dang.
I’d like to have a girl just for the relationship like I have with my sister and mother, but after having a nephew I think a boy would be fun too. So long as I am never that boy mother who is awful to their daughter-in-law. My particular one thinks I’m the reason we don’t have kids yet, along with a scroll of reasons why she doesn’t like me lol.
I’ve heard this so many times (one of each) and never really given it a lot of thought. But you’re absolutely right, it’s certainly putting the emphasis on the gender stereotype rather than the child. People always say the dad wants his boy to play sports with and the mom wants her girl to dress up. It’s silly when you think about it, but that thought process is so pervasive it’s easy to get caught up in it.
Thanks for this perspective, really interesting. Wishing a happy and healthy pregnancy to you!
Alison
thompsonschoosehappy.blogspot.com
Love this, Jennifer! I actually have a similar post saved for our local mom’s blog. I got the same responses – and still do! – especially when I mention that I’d like to have more children 😉 So funny that people think pregnant women are public domain. I think some of it stems from wanting to be involved and wanting to have something to say, but really?! That’s what you came up with?! Ha! I have definitely enjoyed having “one of each.” Molly has been a wonderful sister, as I know she would have been with a brother OR a sister. And James is awesome. He’s so sweet and so fun. Is it because he’s a boy? Or because he’s a second child? Or simply because he’s my baby? Molly was a pretty awesome baby, too, if I recall. From families with two of one gender or one of each, every child is different regardless of gender. But that doesn’t make it any less shocking/hurtful/appalling to field people’s random and misguided comments. It’s especially awkward when people comment that they hoped for one gender over another. I have always wanted a boy and a girl and in my mind, I imagined that the boy would be the oldest. But now that Molly is the oldest, I can’t imagine a more perfect arrangement. Funny how life works that way, huh?
Thank you! I’m the oldest of three girls- my Dad adores us all. He’s awesome. And if I end up having all girls- my husband will be the same way. There were no gender stereotypes in my house growing up- we all learned how to play football, sew, use power tools, and cook.
We got plenty of comments when I was pregnant with Margaret after saying that we didn’t care about gender (what was I going to do, change it?) – “oh, well, as long as she’s healthy, right?” A healthy baby is a blessing indeed, but we also chose not to do additional testing – it didn’t impact our decision about keeping the baby (and we certainly didn’t refuse regular screening- like the 20 week anatomy scan). When other people learned of this, we got even more odd comments.
You’re right- people think pregnant women, the choices that we and our partners make- are public domain, up for discussion. Discussion might not be so bad, it’s opinion that I don’t care for!